gradual

a few years ago, i was part of this church womens group that challenged the women to press in a get a new word from the Lord for the coming year before the next gathering in two days.

truth be told, i never got a word. so when the time came for everyone to share their word for the new year - i couldnt.

i had nothing. not a word. nothing but blank paper and blank stares. resulting in a blank feeling of aloneness.

was something entirely wrong with me? because i was the only one without something to share.

blank paper
blank stares

the onset of inner shame and humiliation because i was not like them.

the reality of the situation was simply that God doesnt just speak to our hearts on demand to suit a tight nit womens group.

this is religion in a nutshell. thinking we ought to fit into the systematic mold like a timer on the oven.

blank stares just eating me away.

suddenly feeling the burn of my tattoos as if their stares were setting them aflame. surely this wasnt their intention, but my heart took it be so.

i was a new convert. i had no idea what the process was to look like. current state, blank stares, blank paper, not a fan of the process.

and then in time - intimacy was formed.

not by meeting regularly with womens groups. not by pressing in for a word with a timer ticking.

this was gradual growth, gradual ascension - not instant. gradual intimacy. gradual hearing. gradual understanding. gradual knowing. gradual relationship.

and so friend.

may your growing in grace be met this year with an understanding of gradualness.

may he meet you in the chambers of your heart where you are - even in blank stares and blank pages - and may you take hold of him as he takes you from glory to glory, gradually.